My Lyme Today

Most days I don’t complain about how I feel. It serves no real purpose and changes nothing in my circumstance. Some days though, I just need to vent. Today is that day.

You know, I wish I could say that each day is different lately, but that wouldn’t be true. For over a week now, my wrists have caused constant pain, and it shows no sign of stopping. In fact, there are new knots developing in the joints of my already disfigured wrists.

Some of my fingers are already showing disfigurement and sometimes get stuck in an extended position that causes physical pain to adjust. The sad thing is that, as bad as my fingers are already, my toes are much worse. Most of them are drawn and knotted making any attempt at walking very painful. That pain is made worse by the pain and swelling in my knees, especially the right one for some reason.

To those ailments, I can add joint pain in my right shoulder (sometimes it just pops and shoots pain up my neck and down my arm), my left jaw, and sometimes my neck. There is spinal damage in my lower back, I have migraines, there are knots on top of the bones in my legs that run from my knee to my ankle. My left foot is permanently drawn to the inside and I am so tired I feel like I could sleep for hours. My memory is terrible now, and sometimes I can’t think of the right word to the point that I get frustrated and angry.

I have been getting treatments since the end of 2009. I am better than I was but nowhere near better. I likely have some damage to my body that will never go away, so some days (like today) I have to indulge my “poor me” tendencies. I am only human.

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Pain & Panic

For those of you who have never experienced Chronic Lyme disease, either personally or through someone close to you, it is something that can effect every part of your life. Lyme and its co-infections infiltrate the systems of the body if not caught early. Once the bacteria has a chance to spread from the bloodstream to the nerves, joints, muscles, heart, etc, it is very hard to stop. Some of the effects become permanent.

Pain is ever present. Headaches, joint pain, muscle pain, general-overall pain… some days, it is painful for someone to lightly touch me. ┬áMy hands hurt all the time… some days worse than others. I awake in pain every day.

My fatigue is so great sometimes that I can not stay awake. I sleep at least 12 hours a day most days. Trying to get dressed, or get anything at all done, just wears me out.

What is worse though is the occasional panic (anxiety) attack. They are very hard to define. Believe me, I have tried to explain it to my mom. For each piece I described of how it feels, she desperately tried to the feeling into a rational “box,” but it just can’t be defined in such a way.

It doesn’t always feel exactly the same, but it always makes me feel very anxious. Sometimes it is like I am trying to jump out of my skin or like there is an electrical current running through me. Sometimes, I get the feeling like I am being pinned down and I can’t move. All of these descriptions are part of what makes these attacks so difficult. It feels so awful…